Goodbye, Mr Hyde
Have you ever worked for someone who seemed to have two personas? A nice and reasonable one outside the office and a diabolical one at work? -I have.
Many years ago, I had a boss who was unpredictable, unreasonable, choleric and prone to throwing blame around when things didn’t go entirely to (his) plan. In short, a bully. One day, I found myself having to go on a business trip with him. I was dreading it. Yet when we were chatting over dinner, I got a rare glimpse behind his work façade. How surprised I was to see a decent family man with broad interests and nuanced views on life and the world. To this day, I’m not 100% sure which version of him was the ‘real’ one, but I’m guessing it was the nice one.
When I was exploring the topic of authenticity with a client recently, he told me about his teenage daughter. Still a playful child at home, he saw her literally putting on a different persona when she was about to see her friends. From the clothes she wore and the way she carried herself to the things she said and didn’t say, it broke his heart to see her trying so hard to fit in.
In fact, most of us are like my client’s little girl and to an extent my boss from all those years ago: we’re hiding parts of who we are and pretend to be someone else in the hope that we’ll fit in and progress.
But there are two problems. Firstly, pretending to be something or someone we are not, is exhausting, and over time becomes unsustainable. But more importantly, high levels of inauthenticity are detrimental to a team’s culture. It erodes trust and reduces psychological safety for everyone – one of the main ingredients to high-performing teams according to a Google study.
So how can you practise authenticity? As always, it starts with observing yourself carefully to raise your self-awareness.
Of course, authenticity is not an excuse to say everything you think, do everything you want to do or act out every emotion irrespective of the impact on others. It’s not a permission to be insensitive, disrespectful or rude. Instead, it’s an invitation to show up more fully. To acknowledge our emotions. To admit when we don’t have all the answers or when we got something wrong. To have those difficult conversations. And to encourage others to do the same.
My boss all those years ago clearly thought that his work persona would somehow serve him. Maybe he had never experienced an authentic leader. Maybe he thought showing his nicer side he would make him appear weak or ineffective. Maybe he simply didn’t trust his own abilities and thought the only way to avoid being found out was to throw his weight around. Who knows? What I do know is that the team he led was the most dysfunctional and ineffective one I have ever been part of. We were all far too busy trying to stay out of the firing line and supporting each other through his vicious attacks to worry about what we were supposed to deliver. And we all breathed a sigh of relief when he finally moved on and we could get back to our jobs.
Being more authentic may feel risky, but think about it: When have you ever lost respect for someone who had the courage to show up with all their strengths and flaws? I bet it’s never.
Authenticity and vulnerability
Recently, I attended a webinar with American author, psychoanalyst, and former professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the University of California Mike Robbins. Few people explain authenticity and why it matters as well as he does.
Watch this short clip and you'll see what I mean.